My best friend –Sue- recently confided in me about something that I only read in parenting magazines. Her husband of 7 years received a call from a 13-year-old teenage girl introducing herself as his daughter. Since then life has never been the same in her marriage.
Surprisingly, Sue’s husband didn’t know of the girl’s existence for all those years – the news was shocking to everyone! Have you been in the same situation? Are you a loving wife who just discovered my husband has a daughter he didn’t know about?
In the process of assisting my friend deal with the discovery, I have learnt practical remedies and helpful tips on how to resolve this serious crisis amicably.
My Husband Has a Daughter He Didn’t Know About- Is it Possible?
The short answer is, yes! It’s possible for men to have children and not know it. He may have impregnated his high school sweetheart while in his twenties and completely lost contact with the child’s mother for years. Secondly, the man might have been involved in a casual relationship long before marrying or while in marriage and got the woman pregnant, after which she didn’t inform him about it. Further, some women just choose to keep the pregnancy a secret until their kids start enquiring about their biological dads.
Just Found Out My Husband Has Another Child – When Did it Happen?
It’s every caring married woman’s dream to have an intact family without external interference. However, the issue of married men siring children with other women is not new. A study by child trends found that over 70% of men having children with multiple partners were married at the time the children were born.
If you just discovered the presence of a step-child, it’s understandable you’re going through mixed emotions. I know how devastating the thought of your husband getting intimate with another woman and even siring a daughter could be. Sometimes, it could have happened long before you got married – that’s better. The saddest part is if he betrayed you with the other woman while still married to you.
Some men like exploring other women for fun and may impregnate them during such casual relationships. In case the wife is having difficulty conceiving, the husband could also knowingly sire a child outside the marriage. Either way, with consent or not, this is an act of adultery which should not be tolerated in marriage.
What to Expect if a Husband Finds out He Has a Child?
Whether married or not. The thought of becoming a father is usually thrilling for men. What makes it weirder is that the little one has been existing without him knowing. It could be confusing how to handle his current marriage while including the child in his family’s life.
For any wife, the discovery comes with disappointments, fear, worry and hurt depending on how it happened. That said you need to understand the following before knowing the next steps to take:
- The daughter is entitled to her father (your husband).
- The child will be having a share of your family budget through child support and upkeep.
- Your husband will need time with his daughter –she needs fatherly love too.
- The stepdaughter is here to stay- She’s a biological child and you can’t change this fact.
- Your children would want to interact with their step-sister.
What To Do if Your Husband Has a Child With Another Woman
Before knowing which way to go, consider factors such as your kids’ welfare- if you have some, and the emotional/psychological/financial investment you’ve made in your marriage. All in all, you need to take action.
What can you do?
There are several routes you may opt to take as follows:
1. Forgive
Forgiveness is not for the faint-hearted. Amid confusion, pain, bitterness and fear caused by a husband you love, forgiving may sound ridiculous. Nevertheless, the action may incredibly restore your peace of mind and secure your family’s future. Take time to search your soul before forgiving him.
When is forgiveness a great option?
- If you’ve been married for a long time and didn’t have other major incidents before, it’s good to forgive him for accidentally getting a child outside marriage
- When you deeply love your husband- Marital affairs involve the heart. You may feel genuine love for him and choose to forgive him despite his infidelity.
- Children- Divorces have detrimental physical, psychological and emotional effects on children. According to Family Means, children who have experienced divorce have a higher perceptibility to sickness. Since no loving mother would want her children to suffer, you may forgive your husband to protect them.
- If your husband is remorseful and loving- Remorse shows he regrets wronging you and still loves you regardless. It may help to give him a second chance.
Forgiving means you’re ready to stay in your marriage and welcome the daughter to be part of your family’s future. Make sure you think about it critically and soberly because I assure you it won’t be easy. Accept that your husband has a daughter he didn’t know about and support each other from there.
2. Divorce
For someone who had plans of building a strong family, this may sound too harsh. When a husband gets another woman pregnant- knowingly or unknowingly – while married to you, it’s evidence of adultery.
If you’ve been recently married with no kids of your own yet, it’s better to move out early. You can weigh your ability to deal with baby mamma dramas and if you can’t stand it, it’s okay to un-do your wedding vows.
Consult a good lawyer for legal advice about the process and how to handle financial and property issues. After you’re legally divorced, take time off any love relationships to allow emotional healing from betrayal and a failed marriage.
Tips to Help You Handle The New Development
1. Know it’s not your fault – don’t blame yourself. You are not a lesser woman. You didn’t break any vows-he did.
2. Don’t feel rejected- your husband may have gone out for some fun not because he wanted to reject you.
3. You need time- Take some time to cool off. Also, look for someone to talk to and get encouragement to avoid anxious thoughts. A therapist may also help you cope with feelings of betrayal and bitterness.
Wrapping Up
There’s no marriage without issues. What makes the difference is the degree of complexity. Whether an issue is resolvable or not depends on individual assessment. When a husband finds out he has a child, he has to fight for his marriage by making critical decisions.
As for the wife, finding out the husband has a daughter he didn’t know about is a disheartening-no matter the years of marriage. It’s understandable for you to feel overwhelmed. While there are several ways to address the situation, you’re best placed to decide what to do. I’d advise you to take time, think critically, consult and use wisdom to decide whether to file for a divorce or forgive, accept and move on.
