Thinking “I feel uncomfortable around my in laws” is not an unknown phenomenon. Many women can be made to feel they are fighting a losing battle when they visit. When you are nothing but respectful why do they make you feel inferior? Do they realize what they say or how they act has such a negative impact on you?
Why Do I Feel Uncomfortable Around My In Laws?
Are you thinking I can’t stand my in laws? Every time they visit or you visit them you are filled with dread. Getting your guard up and keeping it secured can be exhausting.
The first way to rectify to the uncomfortable feeling around your in laws is to point out your feelings to your partner, only then can you begin to understand why, and what you can do together. Let me talk to you about it more.
I Don’t Want to See My In laws Every Week
Dealing with in laws you don’t like is extremely common for many couples, in fact, some consider you lucky if you get on with your in laws. Whether it’s the way they act, things they say, or just how you are treated in general you need to think of ways of how to cope before it comes in between you and your partner.
It is not shameful to not want to be surrounded by a negative environment. Hey, who on earth would want to put themselves in an awkward situation?
When you meet your person you fall in love. Romance, butterflies, and planning for your future are all great in the beginning, then they ask you that one question, “fancy meeting my parents?”
Filled with nerves, and stressing about how you look, you graciously get through dinner but didn’t expect the vibe. The vibe that only you notice.
On the other hand of course the first meeting may be fantastic and you’re thinking how on earth did I pick such an awesome guy with a great family? The negativity may reveal its ugly head later on in your relationship. But why? What can you do?
‣ Marry Him and the Family
When you find your prince charming you soon realize that your wedding vows don’t only hold you both in matrimony but you are also marrying his mom, dad, and siblings.
You soon find out that no matter how you are treated your husband may defend them first causing a rift in your relationship. To avoid the chaos you need to think of how you can cope with your in laws, and mechanisms to help you get through the visits until you can wave goodbye.
I thought I found a family that I really fitted in with. We all had the same values and enjoyed talking about the same things. It wasn’t until after I had my first child that things started to go wrong.
Obviously, any new mom feels like a lioness protecting their cub. I learned how to bite my tongue very quickly when my mom in law told me how to look after my child, I’m not just meaning advice, I mean pointing out things I was doing “wrong,” things she thought she did better in her day. Cue, a mind explosion!
From this point that negative feeling has totally spiraled, from indirect comments to the feeling of being ignored. I can totally relate to the way you are feeling.
Ways You May Feel Uncomfortable Around Your In Laws
I am sure there are many reasons why you would feel uncomfortable around your in laws. Here are just a few examples.
‣ Outside Looking In
Feeling like an outsider to your husband’s family is not uncommon. You have entered his world as an adult, he had an entire life before meeting you. Regular routines he and his family did, fun times they had, and also jokes that have been going on for a lifetime. Yes, he had a childhood!
In some cases a mom whose son brings home a girl for the first time there is only one thing on their agenda ‘Is she good enough?’ Now from a mom’s perspective is there ever going to be a partner that is perfect for your child?
If you find yourself in a battle with a mom in law it could mean she feels her territory is in danger, she may feel vulnerable as you are the new person her son is going to confide in.
‣ Problems at Parties
Whether it’s a birthday or a wedding, social gatherings can be difficult. Many estranged aunts and uncles who are only seen at occasions come out of the woodwork and I don’t care what anyone says they love to vet you as ‘the new flame.’
This in itself is nerve wracking. You try your best to say the right things to come across as the perfect partner but somehow you may always end up putting your foot in it.
No matter what you do or how you look you could end up with social anxiety. Making this happy gathering a massive burden of worry and anticipation.
‣ Battle of Being a Grandparent
As previously mentioned this is one of my biggest grievances when it comes to my in laws. For some unknown reason, grandparents believe it is their right to project their way of being a parent onto you.
Coming from your own mom may seem like fair advice which you can appreciate but for some reason when it comes from your mother in law it can feel like hell has frozen over and a demon has possessed your soul. But why are we so reluctant to accept advice from in laws? Or maybe they feel it’s their duty to pop in unannounced?
My mother in law found it so hard not to ‘pop in’ at unsociable hours. When my first born was a few days old she just used to rock up around 9 pm expecting a cuddle when my daughter was sleeping….. ahhh nope! No way!
‣ Hiding Husband
This is a major issue in many relationships. We choose our partner to support us through the hard times and to celebrate with us through the good times.
When it comes to their family you may feel that you are on your own. Fighting family feuds without your husband’s support is really difficult but is it fair to ask them to stand up for you?
‣ How Much is too Much?
If you feel uncomfortable around your in laws the last thing you want is them visiting you too frequently.
Anxiety can creep over you if you know their visit is pending, you tend to rush around getting out the nice cups, and posh biscuits, and cleaning frantically. I don’t know if you agree but cleaning the bathroom becomes a HUGE priority. It’s as if you live like animals any other day of the week.
Whether it’s weekly or monthly whenever they visit you may have your back up, they are coming into your safe space and the need to protect yourself may be more prominent than ever.
How to Overcome The In Law Issues
No matter whether you have major in law troubles or not it is never advised to be that person to break a son up from his family. Making him choose between the family he loves or you could be the cause of the split in your relationship.
Here are some things to help you overcome those awkward moments.
‣ Communication
Communication between you and your partner is the absolute key! Tell him how you feel and tell him ‘I feel uncomfortable around my in laws’ If you cannot discuss your grievances then your relationship may not be the best to start with.
I cannot stress how talking about how they make you feel can help. He can even keep an ear out for those remarks.
‣ Enough is Enough
You have tried, exhausted yourself to be the perfect daughter in law but you are still greeted with sarcasm and judgmental comments. This is the time to say enough is enough.
You need to be kind to yourself, and protect your mental health and self-esteem from their negative actions. Taking some time away from your in laws is totally acceptable! Let your partner visit them so you can chill and not have the stress.
‣ Saying No is Ok
If you have an invite to a social gathering where you have to stay with your in laws it is totally acceptable to decline. You may be thinking ‘I don’t want to stay with my in laws’, and this is perfectly acceptable.
You don’t have to be at every gathering especially if you have to stay over, if it is something you can’t get out of then opt to stay closer rather than at their home.
Wrapping Up
If you’re ever thinking I feel uncomfortable around my in laws I can guarantee you won’t be the first or the last!
Unfortunately, there are no magic words that can turn your in laws into kinder, more accepting people but underneath all that judgment are people who were once in your shoes.
This doesn’t excuse their actions but whether they know you feel uncomfortable or don’t communicate with your husband he is your new team with whom you will face the world together. After all, he will understand his mom better than anyone!
